I had a huge revelation yesterday that rocked me to the core. I realize I’m in a co-dependent relationship. With the internet.
Except for maybe rats and snakes, nothing scares me more than technology. I have a Yale degree but I can’t understand the most basic instruction manual for any device that is mechanical or electronic. I rarely bother trying to read them. My husband V is even worse. When it comes to computers, compared to V, I’m Bill Gates.
So being rudely disconnected from the internet was an eye-opener. I’ll spare you the details that led me to write yesterday’s post from Jane’s house. I was pretty frustrated –and things went downhill from there, especially since I didn’t take nearly enough chocolate out of the jar to get me thru the rest of the night.
Typically, when I have computer problems, I call someone to fix it. Typically, of course, it was the weekend. I’m so clueless that I called Comcast–which provides our cable and phones, only to learn that we actually get our DSL from AT&T. (This is neither efficient nor economical, and would never be the case if I were still married to H–but V has other attributes.) I ultimately reach AT&T and follow instructions to climb around a mass of tangled wires, unplug them and push buttons, and in this way I learn from my source in India that I need a new modem. No one can come here until Tuesday so I am left to my own (forgive the pun) devices.
This is not how V and I planned to spend Saturday night but I am really bitchy about the cracks in my co-dependent relationship and there is a fight on pay-per-view. So V watches the fight and I drive to Best Buy.
Living in a small town has spoiled me. In LA I drove a half hour each way taking my kids to pre-school. Here a half hour drive feels like taking a special field trip. I’m also spoiled about the weather. We have great weather all year round but I’ve become like an amphibian or something. If I’m not dressed exactly right, I can’t tolerate it when the temperature fluctuates even a few degrees out of my comfort zone. As I arrive at Best Buy, I’m too cold.
I keep a sweatshirt in the car and an extra pair of socks in my purse, which I take out and immediately drop into a puddle. I tough it out for fifty yards to walk into Best Buy, where my IQ instantly sinks by 50 points the minute I pass thru the door. I hate feeling intimidated by 18 year old kids.
I’m even colder when I emerge with the modem. There’s an Old Navy right next door where I could buy socks in 2 minutes and still make it to Whole Foods before it closes or V starves to death, whichever comes first. But I notice Target across the way–and decide it’s worth the extra few minutes because I love Target. It doesn’t even occur to me to suffer in sockless discomfort.
At Target, I get my socks, plus a really good deal on a fleece jacket for $14.95. The checkout line is short, another benefit of small town life. And now I see some shoppers clustered around the entrance. That’s because it is suddenly POURING. Cats and dogs and maybe even larger farm animals. The other people are waiting for it to let up. But I am desperate to resume my co-dependency, plus I left those extra IQ points back at Best Buy.
I step off the curb into a fierce downpour and a puddle 4 inches deep. At least I was smart enough not to put on the new socks. Which are now my only item of clothing that is dry. I take my new modem and my dry socks and my wet self back home. And V is a good sport about not getting any takeout.
The technical stuff is not only confusing but boring so I’ll keep it simple. I actually read the instructions for once–and follow them to hook up the new modem. It doesn’t work. And I experience a rare moment of clarity–a sudden glimmer of insight into a machine with electronic components. Other than the chocolate jar, this is the high point of my day–the realization that IT’S THE ECONOMY ROUTER, STUPID, not the modem. If I could high-five myself, I would. I’m the Little Engine that Could. I’m really proud of myself as I move cables and wires and imagine myself announcing to V who is watching the fight, that the real champ tonight is ME. I knew better than the woman in India; I outsmarted the techies at their own game. I am humming I AM WOMAN HEAR ME ROAR as I sit down at the keyboard to connect to the internet and….
I stop humming. I have no internet. But I have a new epiphany. I know with every fiber of my being that this problem cannot be solved until I get a long-forgotten password from AT&T that was used to set up the original modem, which I now disconnected. All I need to do is reach my friend in India again.
I don’t know what time it is in India, but here it’s 8:30 p.m. when I call AT&T and get put on hold.
After one hour, I continue holding but also try AT&T on my cell phone–now both phones are on hold. In a few minutes, I hang up the Blackberry–tying up that line feels like I am cutting off my last link to the outside world and civilization.
After two hours, I use the Blackberry again–to call Comcast and make an appointment to switch over our DSL service from AT&T.
After three hours, I accidentally hit a button on the phone and disconnect myself from AT&T. I’m really proud of myself for the way I handle this. In fact, the only really crazy thing I do is to call AT&T again.
V goes to sleep. I am determined to hold until someone in India answers the phone. But no one does. I don’t know what time it is there, but here it’s after 3 a.m. when I finally give up and go to bed.
Today I call AT&T and after less than an hour, I reach a woman in Texas and learn that I was right about the password. Next time I will enter Best Buy with a definite swagger.
Life, being life, always blends the bad with the good. So there are some good things that come out of this. Switching to Comcast will save us money every month. While I spent 8 hours on hold, I finally started clearing off my desk. Plus there’s that new fleece jacket.
Most of all, this experience provides me with an opportunity to use a word on my blog which is possibly my favorite thing I have learned from V in 14 years of marriage: Clusterfuck.
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