She lost her son in a car accident; just the beginning of the series of shocks that rocked what once seemed a fairy tale life. The ending of that life is as far as you can get from a fairy tale.
I can’t stop thinking about her, although my brain won’t even allow me to imagine how she coped, even after reading her books and seeing her in person.
And no one will ever know what fears and pain paralyzed her in her private moments.
Yet she continued to live her life, even while some criticized the ways she chose to do it.
Who can judge the choices or strategies that allow someone to get up in the morning and move forward ? All those strategies were part of Elizabeth’s arsenal and the source of her ongoing strength in the face of what few of us will ever be called upon to handle.
So it wasn’t surprising to learn that John was there when she died, that they traveled together to Japan last summer with their children, that she gave Christmas gifts to his child with Rielle Hunter. My guess is that she knew she didn’t have the luxury of time to heal her heart, so she had to open it…. to live in keeping with the words she embodied, words that she used in her last public message: hope and resilience.
Those words are the mainstay of what it takes to be what Elizabeth Edwards represented to me above all else. A survivor…..even in death.
And that’s what leaped into my mind when I wrote this post minutes after learning she had died:
After years of being dragged through the sordid details of her husband’s betrayal, in death she had the dignity she must have wished for in life.
No matter how you felt about Elizabeth Edwards’ decisions, questioned by many, her final public words, resigned but not bitter, expressed the truth of the person she had become:
I have been sustained throughout my life by three saving graces — my family, my friends, and a faith in the power of resilience and hope.
One of the most important lessons I learned by having cancer myself is to be a survivor, not a victim. This is a lesson Elizabeth learned—and taught—by never asking the public to feel sorry for her. The fact that her death came so soon after the statement on her condition proved that she managed to maintain that attitude, and also elude the celebrity death watch that has dogged so many celebrities who die of cancer.
As a survivor, I die a little bit inside every time another woman loses the battle against breast cancer, always the same thought: “It could have been me.” Though I know well that cancer is capricious, not only cruel. I also know the depth of loss for her children; the pain of growing up without a mother who provides the love and link to who you are.
As outsiders, we’re all helpless to do anything but care and watch, whether it’s Elizabeth or someone we know personally valiantly fighting the disease that robs so many so early. In the end it’s a private and lonely battle.
What can we take away from this sad news? Undoubtedly Elizabeth had the best that modern conventional medicine could provide. Unfortunately, her death proves yet again that modern medicine can’t provide what cancer patients most need—treatment that works.
My hope is that her death will stimulate more conversation about seeking potential cures anywhere and everywhere; and lead to more scientific investigation of options outside the traditional cancer paradigm.
For Elizabeth –and for her children—it’s too late.
And I only hope John Edwards will rise to the occasion with a fraction of the dignity Elizabeth had, and prove that the faith she once had in him was justified.
Article first published as Elizabeth Edwards: A Survivor Even in Death on Technorati.com.
Melissa says
A beautiful post, Darryle, and a wonderful tribute.
Eva Herhusky says
Definitely feeling sad and sick about Elizabeth Edward’s death. I could not have expressed my sentiments better! Beautifully written, Darryle. Thanks for sharing.
Jody says
I’ve been waiting to read what you’d have to say, and you didn’t let me down! Thanks so much!
Ruthie says
Thank you for writing this…I have a tears in my eyes.
Denys says
Thank you. Beautiful on so many levels.
What will be the tipping point for a critical mass of people to realize “that modern medicine can’t provide what cancer patients most need—treatment that works.” When will we open our minds to “seeking potential cures anywhere and everywhere; and lead to more scientific investigation of options outside the traditional cancer paradigm.”
At the moment, our medical model markets illness. Will we be survivors and take action or will we be victims and turn ourselves over to the traditional medical model. We are resilient and there is hope.
Lois says
So well said Darryle. Never say anything about someone’s life unless you walk in their shoes. I marvel out how she lived her life, never as a victim. What a wonderful legacy for her children.
Darryle Pollack says
Thank you Melissa, much appreciate your words.
Darryle Pollack says
Your feeling and mine are shared by so many, it’s a tribute to how people felt about her, and she had a special place in the hearts of breast cancer survivors. Thanks so much, Eva.
Darryle Pollack says
Then I’m glad I wrote this. Your thoughts really mean a lot. THanks so much.
Darryle Pollack says
Thank you; I’m glad I had planned to see a movie today—which was a great escape—except the movie made me cry, too. (Love and Other Drugs)
Darryle Pollack says
It’s sad that we’re so stuck in our medical model but I do think things are starting to change. And I think we’re learning not to be victims, to take control of our own health–Obviously not always an easy thing to do in a medical system so invested in the way things are. But I’m constantly amazed at the hope and resilience people find in themselves.
Darryle Pollack says
I almost used those very words in this post—that you can’t really imagine someone’s life unless you walk in their shoes, and none of us can. I think she did leave a wonderful legacy for her children; just so horribly sad that she, and so many other parents like her, won’t be around to see them live up t0 that legacy.
DuchessOmnium says
She was a tough, good woman. I would not dream of judging her beyond that.
Darryle Pollack says
Can you believe that people are still judging her even after her death? Sickening.
http://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/2010/12/09/westboro-baptist-church-says-it-will-picket-elizabeth-edwards-funeral/?hpt=T2