Coulda. Shoulda. Woulda.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who still says that to myself.
I assumed by this time in life I would achieve some serenity and settle into a sort of ….wise woman place.
I guess in a way I have. I’ve wised up enough to know I might never wise up.
Serenity anytime soon is an illusion so elusive it’s invisible. There are too many things I still want/plan/need to do. Every day I feel as if the list is getting longer; I’m not gaining ground, I’m losing it.
I always felt like this. At least that’s what I tell myself.
Only lately I think it’s getting worse and I’m spinning my wheels faster and faster until I’m feeling completely out of control and the scary part is that sometimes I think TIME IS RUNNING OUT.
The other day I took a deep breath—and I told myself I’m imagining this.
I felt much better.
Until Alli called….to suggest we start work on a project we’re planning, so we can finish BEFORE I GET ALZHEIMER’S.
I told myself she was kidding. I’m wise enough to know she wasn’t.
When time feels like it’s running out, it’s time to add to that F**k-it List.
How many years do I have left?
If I don’t get started on x, y or z I will never finish because I won’t be around at all or functioning without a memory or maladies I never imagined contracting turn the clock ahead several years. I don’t know, I just want to report that you are not alone.
Thanks, Bob. My bet is that almost everyone feels like this sometimes–at least there are two of us willing to admit it. Feeling better….if not wiser.
I’m trying to learn to forgive myself for not accomplishing better, higher, faster. It’s not so easy when you’ve been beating yourself up for 30-40 years ….. but we have to keep trying!! Most certainly you are not alone.
Thank you—Maybe it’s something about the baby boom generation that has so many singing the same song.
Definitely one of the best lessons in life is when you learn kindness starts with yourself.
Wow, sure we’re not related?
There is an alternative to this particular angst. Try enjoying the pleasure of the pursuit toward those goals without punishing yourself for not getting there each time. I realized some time ago that my life would not only be about my resume (thankfully). Until I came to that realization I could not have even imagined taking on the project of writing The Grand Venetian novel that begins in Ferrara in 1502 and ends in the Ghetto of Venice in 1797. I know I will never finish it … but I am so enjoying living the ride (when I actually sit down and work on it). I will not let the likelihood … the certainty … that this novel will never be completed diminish in any way my enjoyment of the process. Perhaps this is one way of rationalizing my innate laziness … most assuredly it is … but having actually attained a number goals over the years I’ve learned that, for me at least, the pleasures gained on the long journey run deeper and last longer than the brief thrill of attaining the goal. Of course there can be immense satisfaction from attaining a goal, completing the work, but that part of the pleasure comes mostly from looking backward. I prefer looking forward. The only project among the many on your plate that merits your quickest attention would be the one with your daughter … in my humble opinion. Once you’re into that project, don’t worry, be happy … and savor those moments. Then charge on … serenity is overrated.
Such a thoughtful wonderful comment! First of all I’m hugely impressed that you would tackle a historical novel about Venice–which now just makes me feel even worse about myself. Just kidding–actually I don’t really punish myself for things not done; I mostly feel frustrated. Probably that’s because like you said, I’m looking forward and not back –at least most of the time when I’m not whining..
As for anything that involves my kids, that always always shoots to the top of my list (not that I make lists anyway…) So anything either of them wants to do that involves me–including this project with Alli–I’m there. And I totally agree as you said it’s the process, not the product, that counts in the end.
Ha—hope it’s not contagious, too. People will stop reading my blog.
I wish I could adopt Richard’s philosophy. I am TERRIBLE about enjoying the “journey” or the “process” because I keep thinking it’s all about the END. I have to get to THIS POINT. Only you’d think I’d learn by now, because “THIS POINT” lasts for about 3 seconds, and then all you can think about is the NEXT POINT. Whereas, the “journey” can take years. I get overwhelmed and exhausted just thinking about this!
I know exactly what you mean. I got overwhelmed just reading your comment. LOL.