My friend Lynne came through town on a visit recently. And she came bearing gifts, the largest being a huge bag of yarn to cluttercast. For someone who lives way too far from family and lifelong friends, the best gift she brought was herself. I stay in touch via old and new forms of communication—but Facebook is no substitute for a face.
Lynne and I go back to the time when Jane Fonda had a workout studio in Los Angeles. We had a nodding acquaintance in crowded classes when occasionally our eyes met in the mirror across the large expanse of the studio.
Later on we met across the large expanse of our pregnant bellies. Along with our husbands, we connected while taking our official tour of the maternity ward at Cedars Sinai Hospital.
Lynne was also having a girl—it was her third, and my first. I was a mass of anxieties; it struck me immediately how much more calm and relaxed she was. Although what really struck me was watching Lynne and her husband. I couldn’t take my eyes off him them.
You know those couples where you wonder what brought these people together? (Immediately I’m wondering if people are wondering about V and me…) Anyway Lynne and her husband were a couple like that, too. She’s liberal and Jewish, from New York; he’s conservative and Christian from the south. And there was more. When I met them, Lynne was 39; a single mother working to raise two daughters. Her husband was 25; at the time, he worked as a model.
This was before Samantha on Sex and the City. Before Demi and Ashton. When a cougar was still an animal in the zoo. I remember H and I discussing this unusual coupling in the car on the ride home right after we met them. Their marriage was barely a year old; we judged it from the perspective of ours which had already lasted 5 years. We thought we knew something about marriage, about relationships, about what brings people together. And we didn’t think their marriage had a prayer. I would have taken any bet that marriage would be over before their baby would be out of diapers.
Need I even mention that H and I were the ones who split up? While Lynne and her husband are still going strong after 26 years.
So you take a couple like that. Then you take the couples who seem happily married one day and the next day you hear they filed for divorce. And then you think about how little we know about what goes on behind closed doors. And when I look at Lynne’s long marriage from my vantage point of years and wisdom, it convinces me of something else: the older I get the less I know.
I had to laugh at this one. I’ve been saying for years that things are never how they appear on the outside. People always thought I had the perfect marriage too, and when I ended it, and people were shocked, I said you never know what goes on behind closed doors. But Darryle, you say it all so beautifully … and with such with candor and humor.
Thanks for YOUR candor– I really appreciate it and I think you’re speaking for LOTS of people who shocked everyone around them when their marriages ended.
Darryle, Thank you for this story! As the aforementioned baby girl, it’s so wonderful to hear you talk about my parents before my time ( however brief it was!!). I sometimes think “how did they find each other” as well, but knowing them and seeing them evolve, what wonderful parents and now grandparents they are, and how they have fun and still make each other laugh always reminds me why their bond is so strong. You are such so wise and brave and insightful, and I am so glad that people can come to your site and get to know you!
And THANK YOU for taking some of that yarn of Lynnie’s hands! LOVE YOU!
Katie, this is so sweet and it’s wonderful of YOU to give your perspective on your parents’ relationship. Even people who don’t know them can see in your words why and how they “found each other” and why it has worked all these years. And how wonderful that is—for ALL of you.
Thank you for this, love you, too and still can’t believe that our babies have become such beautiful women!