I got an email from a friend who said she felt jealous reading my blog because of how warm and wonderful our family Thanksgiving sounded. 5 minutes before I read her message, I saw a copy of a beautful book made by this very same friend for her father’s 85th birthday, filled with quotations from the entire family about wonderful memories shared over a lifetime. Reading this book, I felt jealous of HER family.
Classic, isn’t it?
Does anyone out there belong to a functional family? I don’t think there’s any such thing. Because a family is a group of human beings, who by definition, are imperfect. Somewhere along the line things are going to go wrong. Someone is going to get offended or hurt or angry. You can count on it.
My family members have been great sports about me spilling secrets on the internet, even though I didn’t warn anyone about my blog ahead of time. And even though I’m always completely honest here (other than occasional exaggerations about how much chocolate I eat –probably MORE than you think, not less) I really can’t promise full disclosure all the time. Sometimes when I sit down to write my post, something is on my mind involving someone I love and I can’t write about it. In fact I often complain to V that I can’t use my best material.
But tonight I can. V fell asleep way before I thought about what to write, and hopefully he’ll be ok that I mention this because it involves his side of the family.
Tonight was V’s brother’s birthday, and we went over to their house. We even got dinner this time. And birthday cake. And the best gift of the night was when out of the blue, V’s brother took the opportunity to tell V something beautiful and personal and loving–something to clear up and wipe away a long-ago hurt. It was an experience none of us will ever forget–someone speaking with honesty straight from the heart, with no motivation other than love.
It makes a difference. And it proves that sometimes, families really are functional after all.
Another beautiful post. It’s amazing when we just speak honestly and from our hearts how much healing we are able to do. It’s so simple, yet so hard.
I guess a functional family is one that does not get torn asunder, but keeps coming back for more, good and bad.
Totally agree with both of you. Nothing is more healing than hearing honest feelings of forgiveness and understanding from someone who loves you. And I love Laura’s definition of a functional family—think that says it all. Thank you so much for your comments!
Please… functional? My family puts the “fun” in dysfunctional.
I love each and every one of them soo much and we are so close. We make each other crazy. I wouldn’t have it any other way.
I enjoyed this post. I agree that every family that works is functional, even if it doesn’t fit the Norman Rockwell or “Leave It To Beaver” image. I blame the media for making us feel ashamed if our families don’t measure up.
When I was a younger mom, I spent way too much time reading women’s magazines (which I picked up while in line at the grocery, especially at holiday time). I’d drool over the air-brushed, stylized images of the gorgeous homes, and the gorgeous people gathered around the tables, raising their glasses and laughing. My extended family of blood relatives and in-laws never looked or acted like that. Until I accepted the reality of my own family, I felt like I was on the outside looking in… or missing something. Finally, I get it.
Cindy, I know exactly what you mean. After my divorce and remarriage I worried that my kids were living on another planet–compared to their image of a “normal” family. My daughter Alli came home once from a friend’s house and told me they had a “commercial family” like the ones on TV– with a mom who stayed home and baked cookies. At the time, I’m not sure who felt worse, me or Alli—although we both got over it and by now I take pride in being the anti-Martha Stewart. Besides, I’m cynical enough to believe that if you crack the shell, all those perfect families are just as “dysfunctional” inside as the rest of us.