Sometimes friendship is one of those things we under-appreciate or even overlook. For much of my life, I didn’t value the friends I had made.
And then I got a wakeup call. It came when I found myself in a new community where I hadn’t made friends yet and was far away from those I had. Facebook didn’t exist; the internet was in its infancy. And I got cancer.
No casseroles were rolling in; no friends were around to cheer me up; I hardly knew anyone. I was seeing a therapist to cope; among all my fears and challenges, I told her how lonely and isolated I felt. And one day at the end of our session, she wrote something on a prescription pad and handed it to me:
Contact with friends:
To be taken twice daily, either by phone or in person.
She urged me to take it seriously and to start making new friends. And I did. I can’t say it cured cancer; but it cured my loneliness and isolation.
Over the years since, I made wonderful new friends here; and learned to value the friends I had everywhere else. And the older I get—and the emptier the nest gets— the more important those ties and those people have become.
This was never more true than during the very difficult past year. Honestly I don’t know what I would have done without my friends—old and new—and virtual—who have been there when I most needed them. Friends are a blessing—that really make a difference in your health and wellbeing.
That’s why an email I got today really resounded for me—even though I thought it was a dreaded chain letter. (Since I complained about them, I don’t get many chain letters.) Normally I don’t bother reading them. But this time I’m glad I did.
I just finished taking an evening class at Stanford. The last lecture was on the mind-body connection–the relationship between stress and disease. The speaker (head of psychiatry at Stanford) said, among other things, that one of the best things that a man could do for his health is to be married to a woman. For a woman, one of the best things she could do for her health was to nurture her relationships with her girlfriends.At first everyone laughed, but he was serious. Women connect with each other differently and provide support systems that help each other to deal with stress and difficult life experiences. Physically this quality “girlfriend time” helps us to create more seratonin–a neurotransmitter that helps combat depression and can create a general feeling of well being. Women share feelings whereas men often form relationships around activities……. Women do it all of the time. We share from our souls with our sisters, and evidently that is very good for our health. He said that spending time with a friend is just as important to our general health as jogging or working out at a gym.
There’s a tendency to think that when we are “exercising” we are doing something good for our bodies, but when we are hanging out with friends, we are wasting our time and should be more productively engaged–not true. In fact, he said that failure to create and maintain quality personal relationships with other humans is as dangerous to our physical health as smoking!
So every time you hang out to shmooze with a gal pal or sister, just pat yourself on the back and congratulate yourself. Let’s toast to our friendship with our girlfriends/sisters. Evidently it’s very good for our health.
I’ve read this message before; probably you have, too. Still, it’s a great reminder; and this was the perfect day for me to read it. I immediately felt validated for skipping the gym to have lunch with 3 girlfriends.
Another reason it was perfect timing–a close friend from high school who lives on the east coast just spent the last few days visiting. I loved every minute.
So this is a shout-out and a thank you to my amazing and wonderful female friends. I appreciate–and treasure you–more than I could ever say. Especially in our modern world where families are far away or fractured, friends often become our families. If you’re lucky enough to have them, hopefully you’re thoughtful enough to tell them that.
It can’t be repeated too often.
Like I just did.
My family often complains says that I repeat myself. I think they’re wrong but maybe they’re right. As I was about to post this piece, I realized my forgetfulness is reaching a new high—or low. I don’t forget how grateful I am for my friends. But that email? Not only have I seen it before, I’ve written about it before. Two years ago for the American Cancer Society’s Choose You blog.
I hope I’m not the only one. Maybe you don’t remember it either. But don’t forget to let your friends know how much you treasure them. Nothing wrong with repeating that.
Stuart Geller says
Kahlil Gibran wrote in ‘The Prophet’………”OUR FRIENDS ARE OUR PRAYERS ANSWERED” If you get a moment read all that he wrote “ON FRIENDSHIP” G-d Bless!
Susan Bearman says
Lovely.
Darryle Pollack says
Thank you for pointing me toward that quote—I think it’s been over 30 years since I looked at The Prophet. Brings back memories. Always love quotes on friendship especially—so I will check it out. Thanks again, Stuart.
Darryle Pollack says
Thanks so much, Susan, and for posting this on Facebook; and for being a friend. xxxoo
marla wentner says
Thanks for a lovely reminder, Darryle. I don’t think I could have made it this far, so healthily, without all my friends, old and new. It is so wonderful to share memories with people from your childhood, which I do with two of my friends from high school each month in a catch-up e-mail we call our “pinkie swear”. We have done it faithfully since our last high school reunion, our 45th, and are all looking forward to our fiftieth next year. It is important to nurture the friendships that really matter to you, and just as important to know when to cut off the friendships that aren’t working and become toxic. That is hard sometimes, but it must be done for a healthy mind and body. I am truly blessed in my friends who make me laugh and make me cry and are always there. My mother used to tell me that men may come and go from your life, but make sure you keep your women friendships strong, for they will be there until the very end. She was definitely right!
Heather Kesten says
I am one of the two friends who Marla is referring to above. I have loved Marla and Susan since we all met in 1959 in the 7th grade. We have all gone our own ways and sometimes a couple years before we would contact each other, but it was always as if we had never left our 7th grade class room! And Reunions were always a way to REALLY catch up. And Marla……are you sure it has only been for the last 3 years that we have done pinkie swear?
I have lost dear friends to cancer and will cry at the drop of a hat and still grieve for them….but also cry for the joy they brought me….it makes my now friends that much more dear. I am so grateful to have my now friends in my life and am how going to call each of them to remind myself why I don’t want to lose touch.
Nicole says
Post it again and again, it’s a wonderful message. I plan events so I can get out and interact with friends, but seems so tough these days to just get to gether with one or two at a time. The kids do grow up, though 🙂 And speaking of getting together, my kids are dying to meet you and my MIL (a BC survivor who also dabbles in stained glass 🙂 just moved to Santa Cruz – so my goal for the spring/summer is to get us all together for lunch or something.
magpie says
love the prescription. and the message.
happy to know you, friend.
Darryle Pollack says
What a fabulous idea and thank you both for sharing! I LOVE the idea of your pinkie swear–what a great way to keep in touch now that we have the internet. I also had times when I lost contact with old friends but somehow it always feels as if we pick up from where we left off. And the older I realize how special it is to have those friends who knew you way back when. My mom didn’t tell me what yours did, Marla, —but she did have those type of friends herself, who were like sisters to her. I wish I had known earlier in life how important my girlfriends would be to me—but at least I know now—and try to let them know, too. Thanks again Heather and Marla for sharing, and how lucky you are to have those ties and your pinkie swear group!
Darryle Pollack says
I think it’s harder to find time to see friends in person when your kids are school age, and going off in all different directions; at least I remember having far less time to spend with my own friends. I guess that’s one benefit of the empty nest! I would love to meet your kids and your mother in law—let’s definitely plan on that!
Darryle Pollack says
I think that prescription might be the best “health” advice I ever got! Happy to know you, also–with thanks for reading and commenting. xxoo