Females are built for motherhood. It’s the central fact of women’s existence since the dawn of time. Motherhood is at the core of how women are defined–by ourselves and society. Yet increasingly, it’s not the case for many of us—according to the latest census, almost 46 % of women up to age 44 are childless. And despite scientific advances in fertility and wider opportunities for adoption, increasing numbers of childless women are the result of choice or circumstances.
Even the word “childless” makes me cringe a little; it sounds as if women without children are “less”, missing something, empty rather than full. And the truth is that’s how I’ve come to feel since becoming a mother myself—that I would have been missing out.
I experience so much of life through the filter of motherhood that sometimes I forget how I felt being a woman and NOT a mother.
Which is all pretty ironic, looking back. I never dreamed of having babies, never expected to have them, never felt maternal before I had children. I would never have guessed it would become my highest priority, my most important job, even my destiny. If someone asks me to identify myself, being a mother is the first thing I think, whether or not it’s the first thing I say.
Since I came so close to not having kids, sometimes I think about what life might have been like without them. Which is why it was so poignant to read a recent post expressing the reverse.
It’s written by Melanie Notkin, founder of Savvy Auntie, who always wanted and assumed she would be a mom. At 42, she’s seeing her odds of having that fairy tale with a husband and children becoming more unlikely.
I hope you’ll read Melanie’s post, if only to understand how it feels from the other side. What touches me most is how NOT being a mom has inspired her to spin her life in a different direction.
I’m not childless, I’m child-full. I’m not a mother but I am maternal…to the women who are on the other side of hope, know that you are more powerful than your womb. You are maternal whether or not maternity ever comes.
Today’s “savvy auntie” couldn’t be further from the “old maid” of our childhood. Melanie has invented and built a movement based on these enormous social changes—and the fact that it still takes a village to raise a child.
How lucky we are that the Melanies of this world are part of our global village—and all of our lives.
And, how about STEP MOMS! Through circumstances and choice, I do not have children of my own, but have been fortunate enough to have become an incremental part of a wonderful family of three terrific kids and now 6 grandkids, all with my own womb never having experienced a birth. I know it is not the same, but I do not feel cheated or bereft..only full and content. So, don’t forget to include STEP MOMS in your discussions of motherhood! Thanks, Shoosh
Proof the evil step-mother exists only in fairy tales!
You’re really fortunate—and so are your kids and grand=kids.
And I’m so glad you mentioned this–really it proves what Melanie says, that being maternal and motherly doesn’t need to involve biology at all, just love.
Hi, Darryle
You really are a miracle and a mensch. You make so many good points. In conjunction with your assessment I invite you to take a look “across the aisle,”as it were, to Men like me, who have never had children. My nurturing instincts have only grown stronger with the years. My life has taken some turns which find me childless. BUT, that doesn’t mean I am LESS, either. I just work a little harder.
Whenever I have the opportunity to mentor or help guide the development of children I am in contact with, I try to reinforce, if not instill the development of self esteem, self empowerment and the importance of love. Love is the red blood cells of our souls. Through no fault of their own, so many people grow up insufficiently equipped to find it, feel it, express it and share it.
So, in the village, I am a “Daddy, Uncle, Grandpa-at-large!” And that’show I Schlep Nachos.
Darryle,
This piece is so moving and made me escape my motherhood filter…which is saying a lot since I haven’t slept for more than 4 hrs at a time in 9 months.
I wanted to tell you how incredibly powerful your support and visible love for your adult children has been for me, as I come to grips with these new people in my life. When I hear you talk about them, and when we talk “boys,” I feel really lucky to have you in my life!
Mothers don’t have a monopoly on nurturing—and women don’t either. You’re right that I didn’t look across the aisle, or the dinner table, or the bed—and probably I should look more often. Thanks for the reminder, and the kind words.
Thanks so much, Morra! You should only know how much I enjoy the chances to talk about our “boys” and how much I feel lucky having you in MY life.
Coming to grips and settling into motherhood is a constant process—at least it was for me— I’m sure that someday when yours grow up, you’ll see how powerful and visible your love remains. Don’t tell my kids I said this–haha—but they’re still my “babies”. And always will be.
Most importantly, I think I need to send you that book “Go the Fu** to sleep.”