Arianna wrote a post today describing her idyllic excursion to Crete, where she’s vacationing with her two daughters…and her ex-husband.
You might want to read this whether you’re married or divorced, happily or unhappily, just to see what’s possible down the road (at least for some people). It’s 12 years later in Arianna’s case; 15 years in my case– and I can completely see myself in her shoes sandals.
We have our own modified version of a post-divorce vacation—which takes place whenever both kids are in the same time zone. Unlike Arianna’s exotic locale, our version is in Los Angeles— and mostly involves home-cooked meals by H and watching weeks of Jeopardy episodes that he recorded on Tivo. It’s not Crete; but it’s fun and it’s bonding and it’s relaxed.
And mostly, as Arianna says, it’s all about the kids.
A few days ago there was another get-together, this time here in Carmel. We sat at an outdoor cafe chatting casually, eating lunch on a beautiful day. As usual there were 4 of us– but in addition to my ex and I, the other two people with us were our significant others. NOT the kids—who were hundreds of miles away.
If you were a fly on the wall (if there had been a wall– which there wasn’t) you would have seen camaraderie, compassion, connection—which represents a lot of distance covered between divorced parents. And still, Arianna is right—- it’s always about the kids.
Ron says
I guess you know how lucky you are to have such a great relationship with your ex. But then again, luck doesn’t have much to do with it. The strength of your relationship is a product of how much you both love Alli and Daniel. Nice to hear in this age of mostly hostile, contentious divorces where the children are usually innocent victims and become severely scarred.
Gail L. says
it is nice to see people caring about their kids more than themselves.
Maureen at IslandRoar says
Me and my ex do a family vacation with our kids every year. At first it was because they were so young and it was too hard to go alone (and too expensive). Now we all just enjoy it. We’ve been apart longer than we were married. We also do most holidays together. I have always told people, we ended the marriage but the family is still intact.
But I realize this is not possible for many people. I do love to hear about others who’ve done it, so thanks for this post.
Darryle Pollack says
Thank you all for commenting. It’s such a tough topic. I think about how hard it is for families where shared vacations or shared meals or even a shared phone conversation would be impossible. When the fallout of divorce shows up even at happy occasions like weddings and graduations.
Ron is right that people like Arianna and us have tried hard to “end the marriage but keep the family intact”, as Maureen says. Yet sometimes luck does play a part, for those who really got unlucky about who they married. In those cases, the result is also, sadly, about the children.