Well this is embarrassing.
I woke up today and read the somewhat unsympathetic mean spirited post I published last night, moments after I learned that Abby Sunderland, after being missing alone at sea, had been located alive and well. It’s just not like me to be so snarky. Especially considering I spent much of yesterday in angst about Abby’s safety.
This felt familiar. I was wishing I could hug Abby and somehow apologize to her for my loss of control….when it hit me:
Uncontrollable Mothering. I’ve described this phenomenon before:
There are times in a mother’s life when the primal mothering instinct can suddenly take over your mind and body. There is no forewarning and no way to stop yourself. You have no conscious knowledge or control over what you do. This can occur whether your child is small enough to burp over your shoulder–or large enough that you don’t even come up to his shoulder. It can happen whether your child is across the room or across the globe. In fact, uncontrollable mothering can even take over when it’s someone else’s child. Beware. This could happen to you.
Right now mothers everywhere are heaving a huge sigh of relief for Abby. Except what follows the relief is anger—for what she put us through. The push and pull of motherhood—a perfect example of uncontrollable mothering.
I flashed back to all the moments I’ve felt that way about my own kids out in the world…. one example just last week. Free Range kids make some fried parents.
I thought: why couldn’t Abby Sunderland just go to her high school prom like all the other 16 year old girls?
Except come to think of it, for a parent it’s comparable on the worry–scale……Would you rather have your teenage daughter at the prom or in the middle of the ocean?
Either way, she’s on her own in the middle of the night. Both are rites of passage. Both involve complicated issues of transportation. Both require an enormous investment in preparation—-time, energy and money. I bet it took less time to shop for a sailboat than it does for a prom dress—and how much more could it possibly cost when you add in all the trimmings? LOL.
The more I thought about this, Abby’s journey took on a new spinnaker spin. There are definitely some benefits to the Indian Ocean as opposed to a high school prom in southern California.
Rather than springing for a spray-on tan, I’m sure Abby has the real thing. Having no other ships or people within hundreds of miles—statistically way safer than being in traffic on the Los Angeles freeways. And for many parents, being completely alone might be preferable to being alone in the company of a hormonal alcohol-addled teenage boy.
Having just read that Abby is one of 7 children, I could think of other benefits to having a teenage girl out of the house for months.
So sail on, Abby…. maybe you had it right all along.
Been there done that…Four times. There is nothing as powerful as a Mother’s love!
felt the same way, Darryl – specially since her brother has already done this – in fact I followed his blog for a while. Still. I’ve BEEN in the middle of the ocean on a sail boat. But I had wonderful captain and we all worked together. I got spooked once when there were just the two of us – he on the wheel and me down below supposed to be sleeping. Right! What if he fell overboard? It happens! I’d be all alone on the ocean in this 28′ sailboat without too much of a clue. I just don’t think I could let my 16 yr old do this. 24 yr old maybe…but I’d have to be in a “follow” boat!
This is the part you don’t think about when you’re worrying about the baby sleeping through the night–the real sleepless nights are yet to come.
I love the water and don’t fear it but that scenario would get me too. I agree, you can’t avoid things happening, falling overboard, or even if she just slipped and fell? Oy don’t get me started. Although I do think 16 year olds are safer in a sailboat in the INdian ocean than behind the wheel of a car.
All good comments. Truth is, our kids aren’t safe anywhere. The hurdle for parents is to keep that watchful eye while accepting the reality that we aren’t always going to be there to “catch them.” But letting my 16-year-old do this thing? Not in a hundred years.
Or maybe that’s just my hangup. (My “kids” are 29 and 26 — should I let go yet?)
🙂
You are absolutely right Darryle. Lovely story.
I’m with u, even with adult kids, still trying to balance the primal instinct to protect the kids against the reality that we can’t. I’ve really fought my natural urge to smother and hover and have tried to let my kids do what they want (within reason and with a few notable exceptions). Yikes, can only imagine what I would have said if they ever asked permission to sail around the world alone.
Thanks Josey, not so sure there’s a right answer for this one—other than being one of those times where parents have to follow their own instinct. And I think the Sunderlands are about to get fried in a firestorm of criticism.