There’s a lot of finger pointing lately aimed at helicopter parents—guilt served up by a new study indicating their children grow up to be neurotic (there’s a real scientific breakthrough….).
The flip side is Free Range parenting, personified by the Manhattan mom attacked as “the Worst Mother in the World” after she let her 9 year old son ride the subway alone (which I would still not allow my adult children to do …LOL).
What’s a parent to do? Having been there, I can get both sides.
Pretty much every Jewish mother could qualify as a helicopter parent. Although they didn’t call it helicopter parenting back in my day– since helicopters hadn’t been invented yet. (that is a joke, people) We used a different word to describe it: neurotic “overprotective” –and yeah, I was, too—(See “Uncontrollable Mothering.)
I was forced to land the helicopter when I got cancer. So cancer could technically be viewed as good news/ bad news. The good news being that my two kids turned out to be pretty good pilots on their own. Following my version of Free Range parenting helped them turn into two responsible adults.
Although probably I still harbor a few leftover helicopter parts. Like– I think even adult kids should provide their parents with hourly daily regular updates on their lives.
My Free Range kids don’t subscribe to this policy; but they’ve made modifications.
For example, my son– currently studying in Argentina. Everyone knows I totally trust Daniel’s maturity and judgment. So when he’s out of touch—as he was recently for a few days, I try not to don’t worry. When he did call, I was kind of surprised to learn he was at the most benign of places: the zoo.
Noticing he mentions this AFTER the fact and not BEFORE— I assure him– NO worries. Until I find out there were also NO zookeepers present, NO trainers, NO leashes, NO rules—and the visitors at Lujan Zoo go by themselves inside the cages. NO kidding.
Lions and Tigers and Bears, Oh, My!
This is what you call Free Range Kids: The Sequel.
Thank goodness you didn’t know until AFTER. I worry just looking at those amazing photos, and will not mention this “zoo” to my daughter traveling there soon…
When I think back on all the things I did in high school and college that my mother never heard about, I just have to smile. I can count at least 10 occasions where I could have died (I’m sure I missed a few). Karma’s a bitch, though. Last year, my son (aged 32) told me, at age 16, he used to sneak out of the house at 2:30am to visit a girlfriend. He put a silver lining on his admission by telling me he always left a note on the kitchen table, just in case I woke up.
Periodically, he’ll tell me other things that I never knew, and I just shake my head and wish he hadn’t told me. It was so nice in the dark, under the covers.
I guess I’m trying to say it’s much better to hear AFTER than BEFORE, but AFTER isn’t always that much better.
Believe me, I was SO glad I didn’t hear till after.
And I have a feeling your daughter will discover this zoo whether you mention it or not….
Ha ha —love that note on the kitchen table—
I used to also be amazed at all the risks I took without thinking—or telling my parents. Hitchhiking, just to mention one.
Knowing I survived the stupid things I did makes it easier for me to hear what my kids did, as long as it’s AFTER the fact. I guess this is one of those rites of passage of parenthood.
I think the only reason that I
am not the worst, most-overprotective parent in the worldwas able to keep my helicopter tendencies in check is that I havetoo manya lot of kids. I started with two steps, then had preemie twins, then, five years later, had two more who are just 16 months apart. I sometimes think that my special needs 18-year-old might be better off if he had been an only child. I would have home schooled him and dragged him to therapy 18 hours a day.Then I laugh at myself and realized we would both be crazy (or worse) and that he should thank his lucky stars that his siblings also needed my attention so he could grow up to be the non-neurotic, awesome, working-on-independence 18-year-old that he is. Excuse me now; I must go hover.
P.S. My step-daughter has her undergraduate degree in marine biology and a masters in primate conservations. She has worked with all kinds of animals from dolphins to reptiles to baboons. She has been bitten by monkeys three times (one required a two-week hospital stay). She would say your son’s adventure was a bad idea. Good thing you found out after the fact.
You and your kids both lucked out that you couldn’t end up hovering—at least it didn’t take cancer to teach you that.
As for Daniel in the lion’s Den….I”m sure your step-daughter is right and I’m totally glad I didn’t hear about this until afterwards.
The truth is that when I was Daniel’s age (and maybe even now…) if given the chance, I probably would have been right there in the cage with him.
I am the same way…I constantly have to keep myself in check.
Thank you for this, commiseration is so nice.
Thank you! I think it’s a fine line we mothers have to walk….and apparently, for a lifetime.