I know, I know. It’s barely past Valentine’s Day and love is still in the air. And I’m not against romance. I’m happily married. I believe in love at first sight and happily-ever-after fairy tales. I cry at sentimental stories, romantic comedies, and commercials.
Those are all disclaimers to prove I’m not some bitter old lady. (Although the “old” part is debatable.)
But I just can’t wrap my head around what’s happened to the wedding business. And I mean “business” in the broadest sense.
It’s enough that weddings have become events arranged by planners like a military campaign—now they cost as much, too. (I promise this is the only time in this post I’ll mention the name Kardashian.)
And the pressure starts way before the walk down the aisle.
It’s pretty ironic for someone of my generation who fought for what men had—lately I’ve found myself feeling sorry for men when it comes to getting married.
First of all, the ring. Many women make clear that they expect a certain standard to be met. And I thought it was men who always believe size matters.
Even worse is what’s happened to the proposal. It used to be a private moment that was sweet, spontaneous, even stumbling—but always sincere.
Now it’s become orchestrated —hand in hand with the ring, it’s the first hurdle men have to scale to give the bride the perfect fairy tale.
Do women really care if it’s elaborate? Or original—as long as it’s real? Does it have to be YouTube-worthy? All that should matter is that the man is coming from the heart.
And the bended knee thing? It might be quaint in the movies or on The Bachelor, but when did it become obligatory?
I admit, I’ve seen some cute examples of proposals. Thanks to YouTube, we all have. Like the one where the girl is with her brother watching a movie preview that her boyfriend created leading up to his proposal.
How does a guy top that?
Like everything else, it turns out there’s an app for that. You can hire a proposal consultant—someone you pay to create and arrange the proposal for you. Somehow this concept makes me cringe.
Maybe I’m cynical—but wouldn’t you want the proposal to reflect the man you’re marrying, not the consultant?
I have my own proposal: that men—and women–stop buying into the manufactured romance—and start remembering love is about the sentiment, not the spectacle.
Meanwhile, watch this video. You have to wonder whether this guy hired proposal consultants— and more importantly, if he can get his money back:
marla wentner says
I have seen that video before and I felt so sorry for both of them. He must have been so very sure she would accept. But it took a lot of courage for her to walk off when on camera. I admire that. You also wonder if they have since worked it out, and maybe she was simply overwhelmed.
I am totally with you on the whole misplaced spectacle of the moment, both for the proposal, then the engagement party, then the pre-wedding, then the wedding. All the time, heartache and money each phase costs could be put to so much better use, either for the couple or for the world. And I do feel sorry for the men involved. The pressure is so much on them, and they have nothing to say about any of it, when push comes to shove. All the decisions seem to be made by the woman (and her mother). Big business, but sad business.
Wendi Knox says
I have been married for 25 years and still revel in the way we got engaged. After only being together a few months, Will rented a little guesthouse in Hana (one of the last vestiges of “Old Hawaii.”) Everyone was sure he’d propose to me there. But I was so happy to have finally found my soulmate after so many years of wondering if he existed, that it didn’t matter to me that he didn’t. After Hana,we flew to S.F. for the Jewish holidays. I found out later, that Will had planned to propose to me on a cable car–something he had fantasized about since he was a child. But leave it to me, toI was too cold that night to take a cable car. So, he came up with Plan B and slipped the ring on my finger when I was asleep. It was such a sweet, unexpected,imperfectly perfect proposal. And such a metaphor for life….that not everything turns out the way you plan. But the real gift lies in finding what’s right when things go wrong. And what’s right has been my 25 years with the most romantic, funny, generous best friend anyone could ever ask for.
margaret says
As a church musician, what makes me shake my head is that, with all the obsessing over the ring, the proposal, the reception details, the first dance, the dress, etc., the church and, equally important, the music for their wedding ceremony seem to come in dead last. Assuming that the couple want a church wedding (many couples do not go this route anymore) I’ve seen brides (and, inevitably their mothers) check out churches solely on the color of the carpeting or the length of the aisle. Priorities, people!
Darryle Pollack says
Thanks, Marla. I agree with all the above—especially having known couples who go all out on wedding stuff and then split up—(does this count if I mention Kardashian again? haha) But regular people do the same thing and I know they regret and might even feel embarrassed by having gone over the top for something that didn’t last. On the other side of the coin, I hope you’re right about that couple in the video.
Darryle Pollack says
Who needs a spectacle when you have such a sweet story? Best of all is that no matter how it started, you got the right guy. And I love the way it happened so spontaneously. I don’t have a great engagement story for EITHER of my marriages—(and not a ring either but that’s another story….) Thanks, Wendi—hope when we finally meet, I’ll get to meet your husband, too; he sounds wonderful!!
Darryle Pollack says
Well that’s a new one–choosing a church based on the carpeting??? I believe it, though. To me it seems as if the details outweigh the important stuff lots of the time. I always wonder about people who choose style over substance. You said it just right—priorities, people! Thanks, Margaret.